Sometimes I just make stupid decisions. Like last night. And the night before. And the night before that. I’m sleep deprived to the point of clumsiness, and it wasn’t my bipolar disorder that did it. My problem was that I didn’t even try to sleep. Hour after hour, I put off the action of lying down, closing my eyes, and making an attempt. Would the attempt have worked earlier? No way of knowing. But I wasn’t in a highly symptomatic state, so maybe. But I’m not trying.
Insomnia has been a central part of my life for more than twenty years. Sleeping pills were one of the drugs I abused and now need to avoid. Living with my condition has meant living with less sleep than is recommended–sometimes a little less, sometimes a lot less, sometimes a random “zero sleep” night. That’s the way it is. But right now, I’m making decisions that intensify the problem.
Why am I doing it? I’ve been hearing about something called “revenge bedtime procrastination,” and it fits what’s going on with me. Basically, it’s about not wanting to sleep because we don’t want to give up any of the hours where we’re free to goof off with reading or games or watching things.
Last night, as I have several times lately, I thought about taking one of the non-addictive sleep aids I have. I don’t take them often because they’re pretty much glorified Benadryl, which means I’ll feel like crap in the morning. But I really need some sleep. So, when I thought about it, I realized I’m definitely doing the bedtime procrastination thing, because my thought process wasn’t “I don’t want to feel groggy in the morning,” It was “but I was really looking forward to watching X/playing X.”
Am I going to change? Maybe. Probably not tonight. But calling myself out is a useful first step.
Lori Lynne Armstrong 
Well, it’s good to take accountability but also look around you and make the nessesary changes too 🙂